from a friend this week. it’s been strange to not need this space for a week or two. well, it’s just gone elsewhere. the focus and energy. but just these beginning steps to address my surroundings, write a few words, celebrate the daily beauty should be continual. this will continue to be that place. i think this is a first step out of the shadows: journeytoafghanistan.tumblr.com
i can’t write this week.
wonder why/know why/don’t care why.
all i know is that this week was an EATATHON.
here’s what i’ve been enjoying:
a red cherry, chocolate mousse, fresh cream, ladyfinger bday cake
a homemade dark chocolate truffle
a dark chocolate mousse with burnt orange cream
contrary to the pictorial evidence, i am not a sweets person. or a chocoholic.
i tend to posses a bitter, salty, or savory palete and this week i’ve also enjoyed: black truffle risotto (!), a winter squash medley, an amazing endive salad (w/a sneaky tarragon), fresh jalapeno pico de gallo, spicy cajun jambalaya and a slew of terrible snacks (of the salt-n-vinegar chips/ranch doritos variety…)
in regards to this week’s surprising sweet tooth, perhaps i was celebrating in spirit with J, N, C, and JG who all celebrate birthdays this week. and so, to you, my friends, i eat:
“bouchons”- dense chocolate cake in the shape of a cork, with chocolate sauce, cocoa nibs, and a scoop of french vanilla bean ice cream, from the Bouchon Bistro in Beverly Hills.
i was told today that i was not being offered the job because she knew i was going to be too successful.
#@*($^&@*$ i’m sorry, WHAT? i need a JOB. and NOW, lady.
and i don’t need no premonitions or sensing or feeling about that future of MINE, i am QUITE QUALIFIED to do the job and i can do it starting RIGHT NOW.
….oh…YOU’RE talking…sorry, lady…
and then i shut up and listened.
after about seven minutes of her offering completely unsolicited advice and feedback to me about us having met the other day, she concluded with saying, ‘so i’m not going to offer you the job, but i am going to call you if i ever need something last minute so you can make some money while you are focusing on doing the thing you are clearly made to succeed in, and most importantly- call me if you want to talk about anything regarding this (uh, what? ok, yes please. but you don’t even KNOW me, right lady?). i don’t know much (she actually has 20 yrs of expertise to fuel her knowledge) but i know (what came before) and i am happy to talk to you (you are?) about what little i do know if you ever want.’ (uh………yes, please.)
and waitaminute- what?
who ARE you? and how were you able to say ‘know’ like that? like, ‘i have supreme confidence and speak with complete Truth and have no agenda but to impart these words to you so that you might Hear them and Trust them.’
so, thanking her and hanging up, i just sat. just sat. waiting for the next thing.
and then a friend called to say she had found me a room to rent.
and then another friend called to say he was getting me work at his restaurant.
and then an email from an agency asking to set up an appointment for next week.
fifteen straight minutes of being told to stop. stop it. stop talking. stop worrying. just stop.
stop. stop. stop.
so, i think that’s going to be it for today. i think i am just going to say ok to LA today.
and Thank You.
when life supports you, it is startling.
the funny thing is my continually (re)learning to say Yes to the things given me and not continually shape my life according to what i believe is what needs to happen. more on that later, i think.
but for today: a strong mixture of focus, willpower, try and planning goes into my everyday. to find me without a plan is to find me not well.
as i sit here with tension rising -my back holding up not only the rest of my body but what seems to be a world of Thought- i try to shake it off. even my ‘vacation’ or ‘relaxing’ time seems planned. this is a reward for that. when this gets done you can relax with that. or that. or that. all those good options have been weighed, considered, factually supported and instinctually pursued.
but when to rest? when to sit in the Trust of anyone or anything but my own efforts?
so as i sat in electronic fatigue, having applied for numerous jobs, submitted for copious amounts of roles, drafted various cover letters and researched what seemed an impossible amount of information pertaining to shaping a life here, i broke. just a little. but the light got in. and to have it there was so refreshing i bought a sandwich. and then called a friend. i’m coming over. not to DO, just to BE. a somewhat foreign concept to me, but one always welcomed when i remember that to BE exists as an option in friendship.
so, with no direction, no plan, no idea, i drove to sit at C’s. in which R then called to meet up! (oooo…that might be weird, they don’t know each other, i hadn’t asked ahead of time, who knows what we’ll DO)-why not? let’s all get to know each other! so the three of us met, grabbed our things, and set out to walk the streets like the Mod Squad- a strong silent fighter, the scrappy jokester and the sassy blonde- all decked in our jackets and shades and nothing to do and everywhere to go.
what found us? a farmers market: complete with fermented organic korean lotus (and American vendor Matt), greek cheese and tapenade (and Irish vendor Tim) and a hill. the hill: a park, museum, garden, and a theatre space. the theatre space: a little baby boy with a man/woman/stroller. the encounter: teaching a 15 month old the value of ‘blowing it up’ after the fist bump. the fist bump: a wander back down the hill with what turns out to be the producer/writer for Feist, his wife, a Berlin fashion designer and the most engaging 15 month old to toddle LA. the wander: a short stroll walking and talking until we find a happy-hour complete with ‘free’ pizzas and cheap wine and beer and then goodbyes. and we stay and more glasses of cheap wine, and later another ‘free’ pizza with beer and a surprise(!) trivia night and then another friend joining, and jokes and stories and a few episodes of Family Guy to tuck us in…
what we found? that adventure rewards those open to the asyettobedetermined gifts being given all around.
i say Yes to that.
a gift came in the mail today…
“i wanted to be a writer, but i was unsure what that required, what form to choose, or how to proceed. what shall i do this year? what shall i become? what shall i learn -truly learn and know that i have learned- by the time i look at these pages next year?”
i heard some echo of my own hopes and fears.